Edited Quick Write

The car was our sanctuary on the safari trip. But one lion came closer. It came up to the window. The one lioness of the pride came closer until the big round brown eyes peered into the car. The golden, flowing fur shimmered in the afternoon sunlight and a single, almost invisible gash of brown fur ran along the length of its body, right down its spine. The brown eyes were like brown orbs of light that showed an intelligence only lions could know. Then… The car door whipped open! The lioness had bitten the door handle and opened the car! My shrill piercing scream shattered the stunning silence like a hammer through ice, and I quickly shut the car door and locked it. A great ending to an awesome trip!

My goal was to use more similes and metafores in my writing to make it more interesting for readers you can see this because of the hammer through ice and brown orbs of light statements.